We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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