3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
