All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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