u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
