Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
