it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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