Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
