I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
