masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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