my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
