We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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