How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
