So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
