you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
