I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
