I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
