If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
