I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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