im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
