my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
