I should be sponsored by Trojan
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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