the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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