i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
