Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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