I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
