I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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