My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
