Have you finally orgasmed yet?
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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