I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
