Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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