Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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