Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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