Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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