I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
