sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
