omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
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WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
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he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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