help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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