Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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