You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
