New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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