He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
