I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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