Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
