Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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