My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
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I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
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Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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