I didn't shave. On purpose
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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