I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
