you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
