my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
