My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
