I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
