It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You ruined the universe
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
