We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
