I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
