I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I will pee on everything he values.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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